Ep 40: DATING IN AMERICA: Finding Love Can Be Hard Work

Let’s talk about love and dating from the perspective of professional women! In this latest episode of Dating in America, Sarina Fazan sits down to talk with Erin Bunke, a Tampa Bay realtor at Coldwell Banker Realty of South Tampa, and Ashley Yore, a content strategist and media manager at The Identity Tampa Bay. They discuss how work can impact your love life, what it means to date as a single mom, knowing when you've found the one, and what love languages are. 

Erin Bunke, a single mother who has been out of the dating game for quite some time, says that she’s staying focused on her career and her two young daughters. “I’ve been asked out a lot, but I don’t go out a lot,” Erin explains. 

Ashley, who has been married for almost two years, is out of the dating game but has vicariously lived through the people in her office who are actively dating.

“I love hearing the stories, I love hearing about the apps. I’m always like, so how was that date? So, I really do love the stories, and I love when people find that genuine connection,” Ashley says. 

This year, Ashley and her husband are celebrating the ninth anniversary of when they first met. When she was in her mid-20s, her job took her from South Carolina to Columbus, Ohio, and that is where she found her husband.

“I did not know anybody, and I was in a ‘no men’ sort of situation where I was like I’m not interested,” Ashley explains.

A prior relationship swayed her from the idea of dating at that time. “I moved from the state, so if that tells you anything,” Ashley says playfully.

As a newcomer to the city, she was interested in making new friends. “Someone I met invited me out, introduced me to this other girl, who invited me to a Halloween party,” Ashley recalls.

Since Ashley learned of the party last minute, she put together a Halloween costume of the items she had on hand. “I’m wearing a sweater, jeans, one of those winter hats, and nerd glasses,” she says.

But, when she learned about the party’s theme, it was a different story. “I show up. It's in an old church and everybody there is basically naked, like wearing the most scandalous Halloween costumes. People are body painted,” Ashley says.

She continues, “It was a crazy, crazy party, I looked incredibly out of place.”

Luckily, there was another party guest who didn't live up to the party’s theme – the man who would one day become her husband!  “He was a cat burglar, so he was wearing a black leather jacket and cat ears and that was his only costume,” Ashley describes.

She was interested in him at first sight. “At the time I was just like, oh, that’s a really hot guy,” Ashley says.

The next day, Ashley attended another Halloween party, but this time she was fully dressed as the dead version of Disney’s Princess Tinkerbell. And she invited the man who had sparked her interest the night before to go with her.

“He was like, yeah, I have another place to go and then I’ll come meet you. He walks into the same party I was at already, except he didn't recognize me because my face was painted, so I had to tell him who I was, and that was it we’ve been dating ever since,” Ashley remembers. 

She continues, “ We didn’t really have traditional dating like we're going to see each other every so often, we were just instantly like together all the time.”

Soon Ashley got another offer to move from Columbus, Ohio, to Tampa, Florida. However, she was not moving alone this time - her Ohio native boyfriend decided to move with her. 

“That was definitely one of our hardest moments was having to pick up and move your whole life, especially like that’s where he is from,” Ashley explains.

Although this was an obstacle, it led to growth in their relationship. Ashley says, “I think it has proved to be like his own accomplishments as well because I feel like he was able to grow his own career in a way that he wouldn't have been able to do otherwise.”

Erin, a successful Tampa Bay realtor, is still searching for a special connection. She shares how her success has intimidated the men she encounters.

“I’m not even thinking of guys half the time. I’m thinking of working and I think that can come across kind of nasty, it can come across cold. And half the time guys don't even think I'm interested in them,” Erin says.

She adds, “I think they are intimidated because I do very well, and men want to take care of women.”

However, even though Erin is very well off financially, she does not necessarily factor in the financial standings of a potential partner. “The guys that I actually go out with or have gone to dinner are powerful people, not that I’m attracted but that is what is attracted to me, so I give them a chance because I think that they can handle me,” says Erin.

For Erin, a potential partner must be just as committed to work as she is and share her tenacity. She says, “As long as they are passionate about what they do, that’s all I care about.”

She continues, “I don’t care what you have, I don't really care what you drive, I don't, as long as you’re successful and you love what you do, that's all that matters. Because those things aren't going to make you happy. The person and what you give to them is what makes you happy. 

Ashley agrees with Erin, “You have to be on the same page. At the end of the day, you’re looking for a partner.”

Ashley adds, “Who do you want to be with when things hit the fan, you know what I mean? Who’s going to have your back and who’s going to help you make important decisions and navigate through your life?”

Another significant factor for Erin is her children. “When you have a child, all dating goes aside. You’re thinking about is this human being good enough for my child,” Erin declares.

At first, she was not open to dating men with children, but soon realized that this commonality was very important in a relationship.

“I find myself attracted to men like me, but then I also have to remember we have to secure our roles as women,” Erin explains.

The women then lead into a conversation about the five love languages, which are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. 

Erin believes that her love language is a combination of words of affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service. Ashley also believes that acts of service are her love language but thinks that giving and receiving provides different perspectives when expressing and receiving love.   

“I think it’s different. What do you like to do versus what do like to receive,” Ashley clarifies. 

She adds, “I love giving gifts. I love to see the reaction. I love to pick out the perfect gift.”

Ashley and Erin are at different points in their love lives, but whatever the future holds for them is unknown. “You know what is so beautiful about life is honestly you just don’t ever know,”  Sarina comments. 

And during these unprecedented times, Ashley feels that dating apps provide people with a tool to meet someone they like, although this luxury does come with some downfalls.

Ashley says, “It’s just so easy. There are just so many options like right there. But then it seems like, especially with guys, they’re always like what else is there?”

The ladies agree that there are many ways to start a relationship, but you have to make sure you're respecting yourself before you seek love.

Erin advises, “Don’t be with the wrong person when the right one comes along, so if you aren’t a hundred percent sure about someone, don’t be with that person.” 

Ashley suggests, “If you have that opportunity, say yes to something that you might not normally say yes to and you never know where that will.”

Amazing advice from amazing women, “What an absolute treat to have you both on this podcast,” Sarina says endearingly.

Learn more about Coldwell Banker Realty of South Tampa: www.ColdwellBankerHomes.com/fl/tampa/agent/erin-bunke/aid_207217

 Learn more about The Identity Tampa Bay: www.TheIdentityTB.com

For more discussions like this one, make sure to subscribe to the podcast “On The Record With Sarina Fazan."

Sarina Fazan’s wardrobe provided by Triage Consignment Boutique (www.facebook.com/triageconsignment).

Sarina Fazan’s dry cleaning and laundry provided by ZIPS Dry Cleaners (www.321zips.com/tampa).