Ep 48: LOVE IN AMERICA: Two Rules For A Lasting Marriage

Brendan McLaughlin, a writer, performer, reporter, and former television news anchor, and his wife Sandy McLaughlin, retired Vice President of Development for Crisis Center of Tampa Bay, have two steadfast rules for their 35-year marriage. In this special “Love In America” podcast, Brendan and Sandy sit down with Sarina Fazan to share a glass of wine and the rules they have followed throughout their relationship – leading them from the restaurant scene in San Francisco to marriage, children, and their long-time home in Tampa Bay.

The couple met when Sandy, who was the general manager of a San Francisco restaurant, hired Brendan as a bartender. After seeing a newspaper article about the restaurant, which included a picture of Sandy, Brendan knew he wanted to work with her! What neither of them knew at the time was that their working relationship would evolve into love – and a marriage that spanned almost four decades!

After working together for nine months, Brendan left the restaurant for another bartending job. Sandy and her friends visited his new bar, and the flirtation began. Soon, they started dating, and their relationship quickly became serious.

At the time, Brendan was 25 years old and Sandy was 33. She was ready for a commitment but wasn’t sure if he felt the same.

“We had been dating for several months, and it was pretty clear we weren’t seeing other people. We were seeing each other several times a week. So, I said, you know, I want to talk to you about something,” Sandy recalls. 

She continues, “I said, you know, I’d really like to know where we’re going with this. And, if we get down the road farther and discover that we are in a serious relationship, that it’s something you want to pursue, because I’m ready. You may not be. When I was your age, I wasn’t so I would understand that.” 

Brendan thought about it and told Sandy that he wanted to keep dating, but one year later that would change. Marriage was the next step for them, but Brendan wasn’t prepared to move forward. 

He says, “That was based only on this notion that I was too young. It wasn’t for lack of love and affection, at that point, at all. It was a sense of like, I’m only 25, 26 at this point. That’s too young to get married. So, I kind of struggled with it a little bit. I just didn’t feel like I was ready. And so, we split for a short, miserable period of time.”

Brendan started dating other people, but soon knew he needed to get Sandy back. He remembers, “The contrast was so obvious that this was the one. I missed her horribly, and everyone else seemed like a poor substitute.”

After two or three months apart, he asked Sandy to have dinner, hoping that she had not embarked on another relationship. She says, “We went back and were sitting on the couch at my place. And I’m like, hey, what is this now?”

Brendan jokes, “She made me marry her!”

“I said, look, buddy, now or never…and he did propose that night,” Sandy recalls.

“We were watching Chuck Woolery, The Love Connection, in bed, and we turned the TV down, and then I proposed,” Brendan explains.

(For the record, they were sleeping in twin beds!)

There was no ring and no plan, but Brendan got down on one knee and made a commitment to Sandy.

At first, the couple didn’t tell anyone about their surprise engagement. Sandy wanted to make sure that Brendan didn’t feel any remorse about the spur-of-the-moment proposal. “But we were both feeling so good about the decision that we started sharing,” she says. 

 “After we were engaged, like a light turned on. And all this pressure and all this uncertainty sort of washed away. And we both started to enjoy this relationship twice as much,” Brendan describes. 

Sandy picked out her engagement ring, and Brendan “officially” proposed to her at a restaurant, hiding the ring in her salad. They were married in the Timken Mansion in Pacific Heights on June 22nd, 1985.

Within three years of marriage, the couple welcomed two children, Caitlyn and Patrick, to the world. At the same time, Brendan began to pursue a career in broadcasting, moving the young family to Austin, Texas for an on-air position as a reporter. Sandy stood beside him as he followed his dream, leaving her career in the hospitality industry and her San Francisco roots behind as they embarked on this new adventure together.

Brendan says, “She said goodbye to all that, in support of my career move, which was something that I’ll always appreciate. That was key. None of this would have happened. We wouldn’t be sitting here. I wouldn’t have worked with you, if I didn’t have a partner, who, I should mention by the way, encouraged me at the very beginning to transition out of the restaurant business and start to get back into writing and journalism, which was kind of my first love in college.”

Brendan went on to become the weekend anchor at the Austin station, before moving to Seattle, Washington where he earned an Emmy for reporting and also served as weekend anchor. From there, the family moved to Tampa, Florida, where Brendan was a founding member of WFTS-TV’s news department – and where he worked with Sarina! In fact, both Brendan and Sandy have served as mentors to her.

Sarina asks Sandy about the pressures of age for women, when it comes to relationships and marriage. Sandy replies, “It is just life. It’s biology, but it worked out perfectly for me. I wasn’t ready until I was ready, and then, you know, I found Brendan, and it all worked out. I was lucky I didn’t have fertility issues, probably could have if I’d waited even a little bit longer.”

Sandy adds, “I had a full-formed career by the time I left the restaurant and hotel business, and I was very ready to leave at that point.” 

And she also believed that Brendan could achieve more in his life. Brendan says, “Sandy, I think, gave me credit for having potential, and she believed in me.”

Sandy remembers, “I said you’re too cute, too smart, and too funny to be waiting tables. What do you really want to do? And it was as if he was just waiting for somebody to come along and ask him that question, because it just took off from there.”

Brendan’s advice to young men about commitment is simple. “Part of it is making the decision to chose a partner and make that partnership work, you know. You have to make that affirmative decision and make that happen. And that’s what we both did,” he explains.

 Sandy and Brendan have now been married for 35 years. Their lasting relationship is built on friendship, laughter, and a deep, abiding love. And it’s a great example for their two children, who both got engaged to be married this year! 

When asked for their advice on finding love and staying in love, the couple has two foundational rules. First, they never call each other “anything worse than jerk.”

This rule was born out of some of their early arguments. Sandy explains, “There were some names were flying back and forth, and we realized that we couldn’t remember what we were fighting about, but we did remember the name-calling. And so, we made a rule, let’s not do that anymore. And, lo and behold, we stuck to it!”

Secondly, they follow the seven to one ratio.

Sandy says, “We had read somewhere that you’ve got to have more positives than negatives. In fact, you need have to have seven times more positives than negatives. So, you know, it doesn’t have to be a big thing. It can be a smile, it can be a touch, it can be a wink, it can be just ‘how was your pickleball game.’ Any sort of positive during the course of your day.” 

Brendan adds, “And a negative can also be slight, like ‘could you empty the dishwasher?’”

“If you have one negative thing to say about your partner, you have to get seven good ones in,” he clarifies.

“Relationships can handle negativity, they can. And we’ve had some very honest conversations about things that concern us, and it’s hard to hear. But that’s okay. If it’s done respectfully and without a lot of yelling and anger, then relationships can handle that. As long as you’ve got all those positives, filling up the page,” Sandy describes.

And, their long relationship is built on those positives, along with their compatibility and mutual respect. 

Brendan says, “I feel really lucky that I found this one here, because, you know, I think she is perfect for me. And I don’t know if everybody ever gets that.

Sandy agrees, “I feel lucky too, but even more importantly, because our kids are older, they are 33 and 34, that they have found someone that they’re so compatible with. And they appear to have so much fun with. And they’re just such good partners, all the way around. I’m just thrilled.”

It’s clear that they are just following in their parents’ footsteps. (And they just might appear on a future “Love In America” podcast!)

For more discussions like this one, make sure to subscribe to the podcast “On The Record With Sarina Fazan." 

Sarina Fazan’s wardrobe provided by Triage Consignment Boutique (www.facebook.com/triageconsignment). 

Sarina Fazan’s dry cleaning and laundry provided by ZIPS Dry Cleaners (www.321zips.com/tampa). 

Marc Marino, a financial advisor with Edward Jones, sponsors the “Let’s Spread Kindness” initiative and the “On The Record With Sarina Fazan” podcast. To learn more about Marc Marino, visit his website at www.EdwardJones.com/financial-advisor/index.html?CIRN=J8Xt82uMZ5PTkAAfJx0rPPELPdflNeOixbnYxMnYXdXnKX7BL7zz5t8tIJl5Do72. 

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