Ep13: Stay-At-Home Moms Vs. Working Moms
Episode Summary:
In this podcast, Sarina talks to three mothers - Heidi, Cindy, and Jessica - about the judgments faced by both stay-at-home moms and working moms. They discuss the choices they have made as parents, the challenges of raising kids in today’s world, and the hope that honest conversations like this can end the stay-at-home mom vs. working mom competition!
Raw Transcript:
0:00
I'm Sarina Fazan, taking a risk, making a difference, and changing the course of your life. Remarkable stories from people defying the odds. You're listening to Trailblazer. Hi guys, it's Sarina Fazan and I am so excited to let everybody know that this is my first on the road podcast and yes, I had some technical difficulties, but I think we're good. I want to thank, firstly, Heidi and Martin Hernandez of Tampa, Florida for hosting us at their home. This week's topic is home moms compared to working moms. Three dear friends of mine are here. Jessica Ruttley,I'm saying your last name because boy you're a frequent guest on the Dating in America podcast.
0:47
I don't have my camera here. I wish everybody could see what she looks like. She's awesome. Heidi Hernandez and my friend Cindy is here as well. So Heidi is a stay at home mom. Cindy is actually a professor of nursing. A lot of criminology out of college and Jessica is a working mom and has, gosh, run the gamut. I mean, I mean you've had right crazy schedules.Okay, so first, I've done all the talking so far I want to each of you take a turn and say a bit about yourself, how many kids you have, etc.
1:28
10, 11 and one
1:36
and two,
1:38
got it and
1:39
is the CEO, the CEO of my household and I also have Irish twins, 13 and 14.
1:53
Girl boy, and I am a stay at home
1:56
and Cindy’s like me, we have one,
Speaker 2
1:59
we have one I have one 12 year old daughter, and I'm a single parent. So I'm also the CEO of my household. And yeah, she's a 12 year old one daughter, and then I work. And I'm sorry to being interrupted, that gives us great, great perspective too. So yeah, when we talk about, oh, you know, stay at home moms compared to working moms. What's the first thing that comes to your mind? competition? Really? I know that's,that's so true.
2:36
That's really interesting. Michael, I know you're busy over and over because of you know, I told you, it's my first podcast on the road, okay, you know, technical issues.
2:48
But okay, so so that's the first thing that comes to your mind.
2:53
Usually, when you have to stay at home mom, it's because somebody's holding down the fort, you know, office and something got a hold down the floor?
Speaker 1
3:02
It doesn't make sense sometimes to have two people working. And then you have to spend all your money for child care. Yeah, that's so true. That's so interesting that you mentioned that because years and years ago, I read an article in it was either fortune or Forbes magazine. And they said that they broke it down. And they talked about everything like dry cleaning, going to lunch with your girlfriends or getting going to lunch with the guys or, or whatever. It boiled down to, like $5,000 a year. So is it really worth it? Today? So you're a single parent.
Speaker 2
3:35
So how has that been? It's been a challenge. But going back to the just the first word that comes to mind, just to circle back to that for just a second is judgment because I got a lot of questions immediately as to whether when I was going back to work or if I was going back to work and I don't know if you experienced that are not we you
4:00
Really? Yes. Wow. So Heidi, you know, okay, and I want to get back to that, but I will never forget. So, Heidi's kids go to the same school where my daughter goes, and I did a story actually, for the newscast on how moms versus and I think we don't want to use that word in your right. And it goes back to shame on hate for using that word, judgment. Judgment. It's so much better than the word I use competition, but it's so true judgment. Judgment.
Speaker 1
4:29
But do you feel very fortunate that you are able to stay home? Oh, yeah, of course. But I like to circle back on your point with judgment so many times. So you know, you know, my background, law school, master's degree, I worked, whatever, I know your background, but you know, honestly, please share that.
Speaker 1
4:49
So I went to law school, I stress degree, you know, so I have three degrees, blah, blah, blah. And when my daughter was born, I said oh, I'm going to go straight back to where, she was putting my arms and I looked up at my husband, I was like,
5:10
now, I'm very fortunate, like you were saying, because she's financially, right. We're okay.
5:21
But I can tell you and many cocktail parties for meeting new people for the first time and they say, Oh,well, I'm a stay at home mom.
Speaker 1
5:34
Now, if I said, Well, I went to law school, I have this. Oh, wow. Oh, and then I become interesting. But if I immediately say I'm a stay at home, Mom, I'm just not.
5:48
Interesting.
5:50
Well, how so? How did that make you feel? I mean, I would imagine it would hurt your feelings all the time. It took me now years to get over that it was really hard to get over that to make myself feel like, okay, um, you know what what I'm doing is important and significant, but everyone looking down at you was a challenge for you and you know, I've heard too that being a stay at home mom, you don't have as much adult interaction, right? Because you're constantly dealing with the kids.
Speaker 1
6:17
So, yes, so I've been one father, we had our children. I stayed at home. They were babies, and I felt like you lose yourself, right? It's a lot and you do want to get out you wanted interaction. I got to the point where I'm having my girls over because I felt so on an island by myself. At home, the kids all day has no reason to dress up. There isn't a shower, you know, wants to clean and pick off all day after or your kids are napping and you're just a prisoner in your own home. Can't leave it sauce, then you get to a point is freedom and you can get older and it's like, Oh, thank God, you know, they get play dates, they have friends, they have lives, they can buckle their own seat belts in the car by themselves. You're less tired. You all sleep through the night, and it kind of changes. There's a shift, you know, when you take so much time off, it's scary to get back into it. So then you have this like moment of almost like fear, like oh my god, can you imagine going to interview again? How do I dress? How do I interact with everyone? How am I going to even like start, you know, and you start. Wherever you were, that's gone. So you have to start
8:01
It's true. It's like where do I get this job and not you know, you have to get in somehow. But there's like, there's there's a lot of like, different moments times what age kids are married.
Speaker 2
8:18
It is I stayed home for the first eight months because I got a lot of time off from my, from my first employer with Carly. And unlike you, Heidi I, I loved my daughter, obviously from the moment she was putting my arms but I didn't love staying home with her. And I didn't I didn't say he didn't say I didn't I didn't feel this need that it's gonna be a long time I was only like in the hospital. Okay.
8:46
Well anyway,
8:47
exactly. I go way different after like, but I still No,no, sorry, not doing around.
Speaker 1
8:55
You're like, I know exactly what you're talking about, though. Because for me, too. I, I had a crazy schedule with the new station, but I worked every single weekend. And I had Thursday, Fridays off. So when she was a baby, I always thought it was kind of like working part time because, you know, my husband's home once every Sunday, I'm home for the sacrifices that came with that crazy schedule. But I, but I want to hear the rest of what you have to say because I, while I love my maternity leave and staying home with her.
Speaker 2
9:34
I want to I want to come back to work, right, I was immediately ready to go back to work. And I worked in athletic administration at the time and the schedule. I worked six, maybe seven days a week and I worked with a group of people where no one else had children. So then I tried to make it all work. I tried to be as present and available at home and then I was trying to bring her into work with me. And when you're trying to do everything Then nothing was going well, I wasn't who I wanted to be at home. And I wasn't fully present at work. So I stepped back and I did a pivot with my career. And I never looked back, but I knew I wanted to go back.
10:13
So when you change your careers, you change your career, then that accommodated your daughter a little bit more and a little bit more
Speaker 2
10:22
in the company to accommodate me professionally, because I was ready to get out of what I was doing. And it just seemed the timing was really it was just set up perfectly for me. So I went back to school started, I was teaching part time at the at the time and then got a full time teaching position. And I did that for myself. And I also recognized that this would give me the professional autonomy to be the type of parent I wanted to be. So I did it for for both reasons. So let me ask you guys do you think like you working and you in hiding, not working or has affected the kittens?
10:56
I know that's a tough question. Do you feel I mean, I mean, there's so many people like oh, I remember, okay, we were wrong. My mom was a stay at home mom. I mean, but most moms at that time were stay at home moms. There were very few moms that work.
Speaker 1
11:10
Nowadays, it's the tables have turned a lot of times. Yeah, a lot of them. Some of the moms are the breadwinners, I can tell you in the television industry, most of the female anchors are the breadwinners for their families, you know, so what do you guys think about that? Do you think that? Like, I entertain the possibility of going back to work when you're talking to them back here and that might be okay.
11:40
Yes, you can. Okay.
11:42
I've been holding, you know, I have like, just like the Statue of Liberty.
11:47
I just want to I do want to mention that because usually these we also put on YouTube to Jessica's dismay, but what is this what is not on YouTube so for those listening on the radio on your way home, To Work your way on I
12:02
know you guys all look fantastic. We're in Heidi's kitchen. We're just glad no one can see the cords right?
12:10
Or the wine. Oh, yeah, my wine glasses, the Cheetos.
12:18
That's not mine. It's not mine.
12:21
So I will. So I will just say that. I did entertain the fact of going back to work and I had the opportunity actually to work at Academy where our kids go.
12:35
You're like that. And the kids are like, No, they didn't want to go back to work. They want to be home full time. And honestly, I just for me personally. It works for our households. It works for my husband who works his butt off.
13:01
You're loving, you're allowed.
Speaker 1
13:02
He works his ass off. And I do. I am kind of old fashioned old school like, I do want to have dinner on the table for him. And I want the kids like we sit around at, you know, 637 o'clock dinner. The four of us, that's just the way it rolls and then we go outside and play and we do homework. And for me that works, but I'm very fortunate because financially that works for us, and I personally couldn't.
13:38
With my personality, I couldn't do both. I couldn't be a teacher.
13:43
Right? Well, you can't like it's so hard, because I would because I love teaching. I love teaching, but I wouldn't be as good of a teacher that I was. If I was a mother hmm wouldn't work.
14:01
You know, I want to ask you and then I, you know,
Speaker 1
14:04
I don't know. Why do you feel like you feel you're so apologetic right now? I think it's great that you can stay home. But is this this still feel apologetic? I'm just telling you like, this is like I keep I keep I personally can't do both and be good at both. I think.
14:25
And I only say that because I think it's great that you can stay home but people are not seeing the expressions on your face. I just think it goes back. And I hope you don't mind me saying but like calling, you know, going out like, you know, we were talking about going to these cocktail parties.
14:38
People saying, Oh, yeah, that's interesting.
14:41
Yeah. after the fact, you know, how terribly interesting, have you, but it's a judgment that we talked about.
14:47
Yeah, judgment. That's why I picked up on your word. I completely stole it. I was like, how do you feel? Just I mean, do you think I never felt judgment, but I've never cared. So I guess you got her mom. And I don't really like, I don't read past that, because.
Speaker 1
15:06
But I think kids are resilient. I think either way from as long as you don't make it a big deal. It's a big deal. I think my kids, they probably would say, Mom stop working. My kids would be like, don't go back to work. I'm really tough it up to that, you know, this isn't about. And so that's another thing. I think like, my kids, a lot of times do try to control what I'm doing. I'm like, hey, that's not your decision. Like you worry about you.
15:34
You let me be the parent.
Speaker 1
15:35
Let me be the mom. Let me focus on what I need to do. That's gonna make all of us happy. And so, I don't know. I think kids sometimes people like they think they're like, little piece of bread dough and they're not. They're resilient. They're smart. They're manipulative. They know what they're doing. God Yeah, Daddy and you know, mine are super smart and they work everyone else around.
16:01
So Jessica, are you saying that I've been worked over?
16:05
Work? Is that what I'm hearing?
16:07
That's what I'm hearing right now. He's a potty in there. Yeah, I'm here and I got worked over by my kids.
16:14
My kids a lot of times Tell me a lot of things that affect you, your school it what do you write about what I'm doing? Right, right. You're at school, you know, and they're like, well, and they, but they do feel like they have that opinion. And that they own them. You know, they Okay,
16:30
so maybe I'm using that as an excuse as to why I'm not working because oh, cuz my kids asked me not to. But really, honestly, I could not handle both.
16:41
I love your honesty. I just true.
16:45
I think I think that's, I think you could handle both. Well, Jessica told me like I've been worked over by my kids. And that may be true, I may need it for myself another Tito's podcast for kids to totally change Somebody's like,
Speaker 1
17:04
you're like, no, no. You know, it's like, Hey, you know, this is what's going on. Like, I'm gonna, you know, just be honest with them and you kind of want to Don't let them feel like it's a big deal. Because I feel like people make a lot of things, which is a big deal. And then the kid becomes like, anxiety. Oh my god, it's a big deal when like, this is what it is you roll through.
17:26
Okay, Jessica, you you and I just met and Cindy can attest, I'm just saying. I will let you know I smack my kids. I'm just I was giving you one example of how I am though. And I will tell you I'm like listen, no, sit your ass down.
17:42
And this is how it's gonna be today. Mama said no, but that was ma'am. I feel like there are you know a lot of people who do what their children Yeah, they dictate Yes. What they're doing. So know she wouldn't be able to get a boy Yeah.
Speaker 2
17:59
Well, that becomes a guilt. Do sing with the kids because when mine was little, I wasn't able to go on a lot of field trips. And if she were sick and the nurse was calling then the woman that that helped me during the day would go pick her up from school. And she saw a lot of the other mothers picking their kids up, they were sick or attending the field trips that I was never on. So I got a lot of those types of comments from her. But now that she's a little older, she now often says she's glad I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm doing what I love. And so she same things they're gonna go
18:28
There is guilty or is guilty then again, and then I finally feel trust.
18:42
Right? Are you so happy like when you're like in the Talon? I've done this down twice. No, I was like, I feel so bad.
Speaker 1
18:54
But I feel like I make it up because me working. I do it so I take them on vacations. I Take them and I try to give them experiences, right? And so when I tell them is like when I'm not there for your field trips, you get a lot of other things that I wouldn't be able to do. Right? I wasn't working. So there you go, you know just want to take on the guilt. You can't take on the guilt.
Speaker 1
19:17
I don't feel guilty because I'm like, Look, okay, I didn't go to this town but you went to the Bahamas for a week straight. Exactly. And went to the exuma and swimmer kids so okay, I'm going there soon. All right, clearly either one. No, no, no. I all I need is written mother. I like thinking remember and talk about it. Don't think we're going to be talking about this town years down the road. Talking about that time it was a Bahamas banjo. For me. It's that it's the experiences I give that are really like for us. My kids still talk about every time we go to New Orleans to see me and blah, blah, that I can take them on. Every time we go to Wyoming and horseback riding, go to Yellowstone. These are the things that we build upon every year. They ask if we can go back. I've never had that. So I don't feel guilty and I learned my lesson. This is why I will say, like,my mother was a stay at home mom.
20:15
Right? And the best memories, I have the best memories. Again, going back to what you said,
20:21
right? Cindy is when I listen, my mom was the one that was there. And I had a lot of urine infections and I remember the cold compress you know, on my forehead, she's feeding me, you know, the orange juice and, and honestly remember it.
Speaker 1
20:38
I remember everything because we just about to talk about it. So I would say me I felt very guilty about choosing what I thought, you know, choosing my career. I guess I shouldn't even say that. That sounds really horrible. And it wasn't choosing but I have realized that this whole thing that while I did give up a lot of time
21:01
There is a lot of guilt and a lot of times you put that guilt on yourself and may not come from the child. I mean, I know I'm guilty of putting the guilt on myself. I have learned whether you are a working mom or a stay at home mom, it is those quality hours that you spend with your child that really matter. Like if you have a half an hour to read them, or you have, you know, an hour to go to their soccer game. And you're in the stands. It's what you do. But it's but it's but it's tough. And clearly it's a podcast issue.
21:34
That's why we're talking. Yeah.
Speaker 1
21:36
And whether you go on a field trip or go to the Bahamas, that's the point. And if you're a stay at home mom, you have the guilt of not working. You know, it goes both ways. I mean, for me, it's, gosh, I should be doing more for myself.
21:58
But I do Do it for the kids. I go on this dude.
22:05
We love
22:11
you have no rolling my eyes.
22:14
No, I'm like, Oh my gosh, am I, oh, no and you're a regular guy. Hey, Mom, you got chosen to be on the field trip. I'm like, yeah.
22:26
I can't wait.
Speaker 1
22:28
We love on like you like I am Hey there, you know like a spastic mask. And I'm like, oh, I know I can see what to say I was gonna say and you moms are the ones are texting me or my kids. Okay, and I'm in the bathroom like taking a shot of Redbull, everybody's fine. Getting, not Redbull what's the, yeah, he was just on Fireball. Fireball. I keep seeing Red Bull. I just saw speaking of that. Not too. digress but I just saw I feel pretty with Oh, woman watch that movie. Yes, yes. But she was talking about Fireball. So that's, yeah. That's what brought that up. Yeah, that's, that's a whole other podcast.
23:14
Yeah. Yeah. Other pretty. I feel free. So any closing comments on this home mom compared to working mom issue? I think it's on it with.
Speaker 1
23:31
I like the whole topic. Everyone just as a parent feels guilty at some point. And once again, I truly believe kids are so resilient. I've gotten to the point cars go away for an entire month for sleep-away camp for the summer. They love it. And they get over things that we think they're gonna hold on to. I mean, they're gonna be gone, they're gonna be out of your house, and you have to kind of prepare for that. So all the things that we do are just preparing them to go and be free and holding on to that guilt of like, I wasn't paying for this, I didn't do that I probably shouldn't be doing that.
24:09
You know, honestly, I try to like back off of it, and really give them their independence and let them be free thinkers do things on their own.
24:21
You go, you go, go order on, you're gonna do this. And it's like these little moments that we have with our kids that as a mom, as a parent, it's more for us, ourselves, like, selfishness and like, all these feelings for me. It's not done.
24:37
They surprise us.
24:40
To your point being the stay at home mom, you wouldn't give it up for the world.
24:45
No, I'm very happy. took me a long time to accept where I'm at. But I agree with you. I mean, they're so resilient and the The stress that we have in our own head and then you think and then you're like wow and they just kind of shock you it's like oh, they're gonna be okay. There's gonna be okay and you know more than I'm not a helicopter mom.
25:13
Yeah. Despite this podcast sound like right now and in Cindy, I didn't get enough for the audience out there just so you know, this is not an edited piece that we put together like you put together on a news live Yes, it is like a live use case. So what I'm taping it, but it's called live to tape, which means I don't go back. I don't edit that out. Like I'm like, sorry girls, what we say I'm here. I really wish you would have told us that before I kind of broke it to him. I didn't get to sign a nondisclosure agreement. Did you find anything? Did you I didn't ask you wasn't gonna be video video. Oh, and the rest of them will be videoed as soon as I figured this out. So Cindy, we're going to give you the final words.
Speaker 2
26:00
I think embracing your own choices, owning your own choices is really important. And I think as a as a mom and someone who works outside of the home professionally, I could probably do a better job of supporting others, like you were talking about staying home can feel isolating, and you're home by yourself and you need that interaction. That's I mean, I love spending time with Heidi, and talking about our kids and getting out. You invite me to lunch, I invite you to lunch. I feel like I'm missing out because I'm not on that field trip. Well, you're she encourages me You can spend an hour you can carve out an hour of your day and come volunteer at the school. And that's exactly what I've done. So we can balance all of these responsibilities, how I think and do a better at least for me, yeah, speak for everyone. do a better job of not subtly making those types of judgment statements that we often hear. I did I don't I don't know how much time we have left but both of my sister stay at home and I often find myself when one of my sisters her daughter's about to go to college. And I'm like, what are you going to do? Like what do you do? She's in high school, you know, and I need I need to remove that from my vocabulary because that is a it's a hurtful thing to say to someone. She's got a lot of other interests outside the home that she's not paid for. And I think that I need to do a better job of recognizing.
Speaker 1
27:24
No, but that's really sweet of you to say so, I know because we because we're all unique MRL needs and you know what? We're all mothers and we all care and we want the best for our kids personally, doesn't matter where you work. Yeah, that's it, you know?
27:42
But you know what the great thing is that we have girlfriends. I don't know what to do with that. Jessica. Really?
Speaker 1
27:50
Thank God, I don't know what I would do anymore in my life. So yeah, I mean, girlfriends, girlfriends and wives, girlfriends and wives. You knows whatever. But no, thank you so much for joining us, joining me on this podcast once again. This is Trailblazer with Sarina Fazan and you can find me on all types of social media platforms. You just need to search my name and I really appreciate you listening. Please let me know what topics you would like us to discuss because one of the reasons for discussing this topic is because thanks to all of you, again, thanks for listening to Trailblazer. See you soon.